The Worst Girls

They think they're hotter than everyone else (but they like talking about how they just like wearing jeans and t-shirts) they like sports (but not as much as they like telling guys how much they like sports) and they just don't get why they don't have any female friends (although what they really love is saying that girls are bitches and they don't want to be friends with them anyway). They're not just girls who are friends with guys, they're girls who proclaim that they can't stand other girls, only want to have guy friends and simply will not shut the fuck up about it.

They are the worst girls.

The worst girls shine in their Facebook pages; where they post statuses about how glad they are that all their friends are guys because girls are awful, and tons of boozy photo albums called things like "my boys <3." Don't get me wrong, it's great that you have boys. I believe that guys and girls can be platonic friends, sometimes. But sorry, if you're a girl who hangs out solely with guys, probably about 50% of them harbor feelings for you or at least a vague sense that they might want to make out with you sometime when everyone's drunk, 45% of them want to sleep with your roommate/sister/mom, and maybe 5% of them want to actually be your friend.

A lot of actresses also suck in this regard. (Megan Fox, I'm looking at you). They're champs at saying things like "Women are just so jealous, I really just prefer guy friends" and "I'm really just a guy's girl, I love football!" (I'm sure you do, January Jones). These factoids--especially the sports (because imagine! A woman who likes to watch sports!)--are constantly trotted out in profiles of actresses like they somehow make them more interesting. So, ladies of Hollywood (because I know you're reading this) it's quite possible that the reason you don't have girlfriends isn't because they're all jealous of your hotness--it might be because you're just really annoying.

Now, I shave my legs and everything but what the hell ever happened to sisterhood? This is simply not cool. If you do this, you are not fooling anyone. We all know that "girls are so jealous" means "I think I'm hot shit, you should too," and that "I just get along better with guys" means "I think all girls except me are bitches." We all get it. But if girls don't like you, you need to a.) take a look at the girls you're hanging out with and b.) take a long, hard look at yourself. Because somebody's acting like an asshole and it might be you.

So ladies, here's the takeaway: stop trashing other girls as a way to inflate your ego, because it sucks. It does not make you remotely interesting or unique that you like football. It just makes you one of millions of other people who like football. (And dudes: I know a girl who can hold her liquor and talk intelligently about sports is hot--not that I can speak from experience--but think twice about dating a chick with no girlfriends. Just...think twice). Most people couldn't care less if you want to have friends of the opposite sex and watch sports and drink whiskey and do whatever other crap "guys girls" supposedly do, so you can stop talking about it now. Sorry, but those are just things that people do sometimes. You're going to need a new schtick, cupcake.

Ten Commandments for Facebook, According to Me.

1. Thou shalt not air your dirty laundry on Facebook
You are not Taylor Swift. You should not be naming names. There are two couples having giant, ugly, nasty-ass breakups on my Facebook feed right now, and it's gross. Stop it. Have some class. Or at least get more creative about your revenge.

2. Thou shalt not post incessant pictures of what you ate all the time.
a.) no one cares, b.) now I'm hungry, c.) when I realize I'm actually spending time looking at the half-eaten fish and chips you ate this summer I feel bad about my life.

3. Thou shalt not make your default a picture of your kids without you in it.
Come on, people. Think about this one for a second.

4. Thou shalt not invite me to get free stuff.
Uggs, iPads, laptops...if you think you're seeing any of it I have this friend who's a Nigerian prince who would LOVE to chat with you. Aaand by now some Slovakian teenager has your credit card number, so that's good.

5. Thou shalt not post pictures of thy friends in compromising positions.
Solo cups and shot glasses are one thing, your friend puking while she still has forties taped to her hands and a guy in a flatbrim and two polo shirts is licking her face is another. Come on. Be nice. Actually, all I have to say on this subject is: New Year's Eve 2009. Thanks a heap, bitch.

6. Thou shalt edit.
"breakfast, chemistry from 9-12, then homework." Fascinating. "watching the office and having a sandwich" Scintillating. A picture of your leg after you had a cast on it for three months, or of a boil you got lanced on your back. Delightful. A lot of people don't understand that the Internet is this magical place where you can be whoever you want--you can project exactly the image you want. I'm not saying lie, but before you hit "share," ask yourself: Does anyone care? Does this have to do with my bodily functions? Should I perhaps reevaluate my life if I'm telling Facebook how gassy I am?

7. Thou shalt not confuse Facebook for Twitter.
If you must live-blog a sporting event/television finale/your trip to the dentist, get a Twitter account. That's where that kind of thing belongs. If you blow up my feed with fifteen updates about the One Tree Hill finale, you're probably getting defriended. (Isn't it fun to think about how ten years ago no one would have any idea what that sentence means?)

8. Thou shalt not confuse Facebook for Livejournal.
If you must tell the Internet about your feelings, get a Livejournal. Or if possible some friends/a therapist/a goldfish. "Joe Schmoe is bummed" is ok, "I'm such a terrible person but i have so much love to give, why doesn't anyone love meeee" is just awkward. Come on.

9. Thou shalt remember that it's just software.
Some things don't belong on Facebook. If you're offering your sympathy, send a card. If you're dumping somebody, do it in person. If you're Facebook chatting with someone down the hall, walk down the hall and talk to her. If you're still playing Farmville...maybe go outside and see some real plants. Get a little vitamin D. You're looking kind of peaked.

10. Thou shalt not be that dude who never checks Facebook.
If you're going to have one, use it at least once in awhile. People actually do a fair amount of their social planning/scheduling on Facebook now, and it's just obnoxious if people think they can reach you but you don't go on for weeks. It's Zuckerberg's world, we just live in it.

Maybe Don't.

Maybe don't air your relationship issues in your Facebook statuses. It was one thing when we were fifteen, but now I have peers who are married. Give it a break.

Maybe don't dress like a prostitute in church. I understand having issues with organized religion, but very few spiritual dilemmas are solved by dressing like you're on your way to chill with Eliot Spitzer. Just saying.

Maybe don't have a full on conversation in the movies, you douche. I know I sound like I'm seventy years old, but I really like going to the movies and you're ruining it, okay? It costs eleven bucks to see a movie. You could stand in the lobby and yap about your best friend's cousin's drug addict ex-boyfriend for free. Simple math.

Maybe don't come up to me and say "Wow, you sound awful!" when you hear me coughing...I know I have one of those coughs that would foreshadow my imminent and tragic death if I were in a movie set in Victorian England, but I don't actually know you. And now it's all awkward. Look what you did.

Maybe don't get to a point in your life where you have nothing to talk about except the last time you were so totally wasted, brah. If you're going to be a lush, at least be a lush with something entertaining to say.