November's Cosmo is all about hating yourself. Because you suck. Your skin is bad and you are giving all the wrong signals to men and screwing up at work and your boobs will never look like Katy Perry's boobs. Here's just a sampling all the things you suck at:
1. Giving handjobs. Because apparently men are all "craving" that weird-smelly-couch-in-your-parents'-basement feel, you need a full two page, three step system to learn how to give a handy. Truth.
2. Having a sex code. Cosmo spends a page suggesting that you and your man come up with a code word for sex. One couple uses "margaritas," which, wink-wink, nudge-nudge, is code for sex. If you have one, that's good--it means you're connecting, or something. But it's also bad, because "if you rely too heavily on it, it will make sex feel predictable" says some expertish author lady. So, wait...should I asking my boyfriend if he wants some couscous tonight or not? I'm not even sure anymore!
3. Talking about anything. The typical Cosmo girl spends about 50% of her time trying to get her man to do things without actually verbalizing anything. I mean, ew. Words. (The rest of her time is broken up about like this: sexting 10%, vajazzling 10%, practicing come-hither looks in the mirror 10% and giving handjobs 20%) Here's a good one:"Recently, I stocked up on a ton of sexy lingerie, thinking my man would love it. He has yet to comment on my new purchases. Does that mean he's not into it and I wasted money?" Seems to me this could be solved really easily by asking him. But of course, in Cosmo's world, men are really just penises attached to wallets and hopefully good abs. They need to be manipulated veryyy carefully and with a minimum of chit chat.
4. Figuring out what to do on a Saturday night. Once again, you're at the same old bar, same old crowd. Why not bust out your Cosmo and suggest that everyone head to a bar with a name that starts with your best friend's middle initial! It will be so funny and spontaneous and you can drink pink drinks and talk about periods and shoes! Or you know, you could just go to a different bar! But whatever!
5. Sucking. Yes, you even suck at sucking. You are too much of a bitch...to yourself! Well, you might not be. But you can take Cosmo's helpful quiz which will establish that you're either a narcissist or a frigid, self-denying ball of suckage. Unless of course, you "totally heart you." Which believe me, you don't. Because we all suck.
But guess what--it's okay! Because we've got chocolate and shoes, ladies! And that's what women want. Duh. That and a good man who makes slightly more money than us who we can pleasure with our amazing skills with handjobs and ice cubes and scrunchies forever and ever. And chocolate, because that solves everything. Unless you really suck.