Tuesday, November 30, 2010

On Wednesdays We Wear Pink: Actual Advice from Cosmo


December's Cosmo has all kinds of brilliant advice for making your holiday season the sparkliest, sexiest, most boob-filled season ever. You've got to get your game on, ladies. You've got to get your holiday shit together. Luckily, Cosmo has everything you need.

Your guy
Cosmo has nabbed some great recipes for cupcakes from Butch Bakery (which is unfortunately a non-ironic establishment that actually sells baked goods and not a lesbian porno that takes place in a patisserie). These are MAN cupcakes, none of that pussy chocolate and vanilla shit. These have beer in them, and bacon, because real men are never seen eating cupcakes. But really, if your man refuses to eat a cupcake in front of his girlfriend unless its been "butched" up, there might be a larger issue at play here. All I'm saying is that Mrs. Ted Haggard probably makes some bitchin rib-flavored macaroons.

Of course, Cosmo doesn't forget some tips to help you meet a dude if you are--God forbid--single at Christmas. (Because really, then who will you kiss under the mistletoe? And who, for the love of God, will go to Jared?) Here's some geographically specific tips for finding a holiday cuddle buddy:

The supermarket: Find a weirdly named product, like quinoa, on a nearby shelf, and ask him how to pronounce it. He'll love being able to help. If he has no clue, you can laugh about it. Either way the ice is broken."

Okay, first of all, good luck finding any dude outside of Berkeley who knows how to pronounce quinoa. (It's keen-wah. Now you know.) Second of all, stop pretending to be a total fucking moron to meet guys.

The library: Glance at whatever book he's holding. Tell him you've heard the one he grabbed is a great read and he's lucky he got it first. Teasingly say you'll let him have it but only if he promises to text you once he's done so you can check it out next.

Okay, yeah, no. This really doesn't work if he's holding Mein Kampf, or The Fountainhead. And trust me, I know how to pick up a dude in a library.

Your look

Cosmo has all kinds of advice for your holiday party outfits! Like...

Make a skin statement: Hit up an art store for some small rhinestones, the stick them to your bod in the shape of your (or your guy's) initials using easy-to-remove eyelash glue

This one is word-for-word taken from "Mean Girls," furthering my theory that Cosmo is fucking with us all.

Feather your hair: Do as rocker chicks like Ke$ha: clip or tie a feather (find them at accessory or craft stores) to the ends of your strands.

We want to look like Ke$ha now?

Your tits

Cosmo has no fewer than 25 fun things to do with your boobs this month. (Now, I don't speak for all women, but I don't often look down at my chest and think, "Jesus Christ, these damn things are so boring. Why can't you be more FUN?" But that's just me.) Here's some ways to have fun with your funbags:

"Trace your nipples with minty lip balm, and have him blow on them. This creates a cooling sensation that's sure to give you erotic shivers"
Cosmo's sex advice section is obsessed with blowing on things, cooling things and, of course, with minty tits. This one's a triple whammy.

"With you on top, lean over his face and have him stick out his tongue. Then dangle your boobs above his mouth and shake them."
That's the whole tip. Let him sort of damply flap his tongue on your dangling, shaking boobs. People get paid to think this shit up.

"Request that he slip on a pair of your superluxe cashmere gloves before running his hands over your bare breasts."
1. Dude, you're stretching out my $50 cashmere gloves. 2. Dude, you're naked except for "superluxe cashmere gloves." Would you by chance like a bacon-flavored cupcake?

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