Thursday, December 16, 2010

Tacky Crap for People You Hate

My father may have the right idea about Christmas. This year for the office Yankee Swap, he brought a gift he'd already bought for my sister, did a shitty job wrapping it so no one picked it up, then when his number came up he picked it up, unwrapped it and brought it home again. Sometimes I can't decide if my dad is an asshole or a genius.

I love buying gifts for people I actually like, but nothing sucks more than those gifts you're obligated to buy. But what about when you just really hate someone? What do you get for someone who's been a total dick to you this year? Here's some truly awful gift ideas to inspire you.

Shop on Etsy If you're not familiar with Etsy, it's basically a marketplace for crafters and artists. Some of them make really cool stuff, and some of them make stuff like this: Yes, those are earmuffs made from doll heads. via Regretsy

Chia Pets
For the ultimate "I don't especially like you" Christmas gift, pick up a Chia Pet. It requires work, looks ugly once it grows, and eventually it gets slimy and nasty and you have to chuck it. Perfect. I like this Obama one: Shown here is the "determined" look, although it comes in "happy" too (really). Get 'em while they're hot, because something tells me after the first of the year those "happy" ones are going to be even harder to find.

Coupon books

These are lame, guys. And I say that as someone who usually loves homemade gifts. They're only acceptable if you're five, or extremely broke. And if your boyfriend refuses to give you a hug without a coupon, you should maybe think about giving that dude the gift of singledom for Christmas. I think I'm a fairly low maintenance girl, but I'm sorry, I don't want a fucking coupon for a back rub. Come on.

The classic "You suck, now fix it" gift

Nose hair trimmers, exercise videos, acne cream, deodorant, unsolicited makeup, "Pilates for Dummies"....really the list is endless. Older female relatives usually excel at this kind of passive aggressive gifting, but take a page out of their book and use it for people you hate. (Although my grandmother gave me a gas card last Christmas, to go with the ski pass my parents got me. She knows what's up.)


I could write an entire post about the hilarity contained in this fifteen minute infomercial for something called the "Tajazzle" system. Basically this product is a three step system that's going to make you look good, feel good and *hair flip/lip pout* taste good. Yeah, I couldn't figure it out for the first couple of minutes either. Apparently it's basically talcum powder, some corn syrup and of course, a crystal tattoo for your most "intimate areas" where "only your lover will see it." (Am I the only one who thinks the word "lover" is creepy in any context? Like really, who the hell are you, Emma Bovary?) And it's
definitely not designed for hookers freshening up between clients, it's a "comprehensive personal confidence system." It's totally going to make you confident to have "Swarovski elements" glued to your skin. This whole endeavor just looks itchy, and mostly reminds me of magazines that suggest you wear sexy underwear "just for you." Now, maybe some people do this. But personally if I want to do something nice for myself, it's not going to involve walking around with polyester lace in my ass crack, or dripping raspberry
goo on my toes.

Please note that this is only part 1.

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